Currently while writing this it is 3:17 AM and I’m having a huge anxiety attack, something I haven’t had in quite a while.
Just as a quick disclaimer I’m writing this to make sense of my thoughts and my triggers; I find that writing stuff down no matter how much nonsense I splatter everywhere, it helps.
I’ve suffered anxiety my whole life, even as a toddler if I had unwashed hands I’d need to immediately rectify it. My anxiety has carried on but has manifested in many different ways.
At this present moment of time, I have huge anxiety about my bed. More specifically how I get in and out of it. For context, I have two bedside drawers one where as I sit on my bed it’s to the left and the other to the right.
I have no idea where it has came from but the thought of getting out on the wrong side brings me to an almost panic attack where I can’t move until I plan my next steps.
Something that has caused me to have a great deal of anxiety today in particular is that I didn’t follow my own rules, I got in and out of bed on the wrong side to prove to myself it’s just a stupid superstitious thing. Something that I should say for context is that I have been talking to somebody that I have developed early feelings for and I was waiting for them to reply to me after work. (If you are reading this then I’m sorry it’s not your fault it’s the way my brain works) however they didn’t reply for a while, something that I in my head took as a punishment for getting out of bed on the wrong side and further getting back into bed on the aforementioned wrong side.
I know it is stupid I know it’s irrational but I can’t stop thinking that if I do it again then something worse is going to happen.